I know I've been very quiet and rather busy during the last weeks, but I think it was totally worth it. With this post I think it is time to tell you something about me; As you might have guessed by now, I love videogames. More than that, I always wanted to make one. I remember those days back in school when I fooled around in Turbo Pascal and me and my friends were actually programming games on our TI-92 calculators as if it was yesterday. Ever since I continued trying and repeatedly failed badly. Yes, I learned a ton of stuff from reading, trying and basically doing it - most importantly, that making a game (and it really doesn't matter how simply you want it to be) is hard as hell.
I guess some of you can relate to that pretty good. - Ever heard those common platitudes like "Don't underestimate the work", "Start simple", "Actual development time = your best guess * pi" and so on? Seriously, I tried really hard and above all I always prepared everything as good as possible. But let me tell you something: For me all those "useful hints" are bullshit. They don't help you if you want to do something like a game, because no matter what at some point it will grow bigger and the effort (either time or money you need to put into) will be multiplied. Furthermore developing something on your own is always constraint by a lot of factors and is effected greatly by your real life. You see,... there are ups but more frequently there are downs, there's probably that voice in your head that is always thriving for the maximum and that will not be satisfied with the average, there are weeks when you crunch through and get only a couple of hours to rest, there are expectations and there's pressure, constantly. Beyond that, as I mentioned before, there is that thing called reality - or rather life; events you can't influence but that in turn can destroy the most ambitious plans over night.
One of the most frustrating things about single-handedly making a game is that you can so easily be overwhelmed by the effort you need to put into it and sometimes not even the best game design document and project plan can protect you from that. If you are dedicated you can pull yourself out from the dark hole you find yourself in more than one time, but everything is limited and at some point (maybe when something else in your life happens) you can't anymore. My last attempt of creating a game had so bad physical as well as social repercussions, that I really tried to put that idea behind me. I told myself that it is useless and that it is impossible for me to develop something on my own. As I said, lowering expectations might be a good start, but for me - although I agree that "simple is good" - simple is also just not enough.
"I FIND YOUR LACK OF FAITH DISTURBING"
So what has changed? Well, first of all I couldn't do it... I was still doing concepts of games in my head and on paper. I was playing with that tool, thinking about creating a Point&Click adventure, programming on this end and trying to make that fancy puzzle game I always wanted to create, and so on. Somehow I can't. I can't put the thought of making a game behind me. So the thing that has changed is the realization that I am tied to videogames and that I just can't put them behind me and be happy with something else in my life. What didn't change however is my attitude towards making a game completely by myself. I simply know that this is impossible because although my life got a lot better it still remains complicated. You remember this dark hole I talked about before? All that struggles of development could be possible to overcome if there was somebody with you in on the same project; somebody who finds the bug in your code at a glance instead of several days later - be it by coincidence or due to knowledge, somebody to tell you that you need to take a break, to drag you out of that dark hole of frustration, someone to exchange ideas with, someone you can count on to be as motivated as you are. I told myself I will not attempt to create a game on my own until I find at least one person like this... Truth be told I haven't, yet... but - and this is probably the most important part that has changed and that made me think intensely over the turn of the year: Before, I always tried to be as closed as possible about the games I was developing. Be it from paranoia or whatnot, but I couldn't stand the idea to make anything public regarding my development. Now, since I took the leap and started to blog and use social networking services I think quite differently. I found a lot of like-minded and nice people on G+ and Twitter. All day long I see ambitious and motivated people developing their games because they believe in them. I know it maybe sounds stupid but now I don't feel that alone anymore, I feel sympathy. Like I said, I don't have a partner on this, but I feel like that it may be possible that someone notices my project and that probably someone wants to get in on it. The least that can happen is that I will get some motivational comments or feedback in general which in turn will help me a lot. I have decided to give it another shot. This time with the support of social networks. I might have to start solo on this but I think everything is possible with a bit of networked exposure.
So, let me close this announcement by assuring you that I will of course not stop doing reviews of games. I know too damn well that I will never stop playing and having to say something about the game I played on the one side, and also that I can't put all of my energy into this new project on the other side. Yes, dedication is the foundation but again - especially working solo - you need something else to put your mind on as well. Putting 100% in it at the current stage will most likely lead to obsession, health problems and probably even insanity - trust me, I've been there.
I know you all want to know something about the game I will be doing, but I don't want to let the cat out of the bag just yet. For now I am in a big planning phase (including blog page changes, and so on) but in one of my next posts you will be hearing more. Thanks for the support in advance. - Naturally, I encourage you to leave comments already. :)
Play more! Develop more!
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